Lonliness and Guilt

I sit here and write to you at 1:00am.  The thing is, it's no different at 1:00am than it is for me at 1:00pm.  Still here with no one around.  It's a lonely time.  I have been at home for 7 months now and I still struggle with the guilt.

 I have never been much of a homemaker.  I like to be out and about and would rather shovel the driveway than drag out a vacuum cleaner.  I don't like cooking and cleaning and I find it sooo hard to motivate myself to do these things.  The problem now is that I'm not entirely sure what is what?  I have read that MS fatigue also affects your ambition and motivation.  That however, is something I struggle with at the best of times.  So how do I know what is what?  Is it just me or the disease?  I have put that theory to the test many of times.  Actually going full throttle and cleaning with the intent on working for lets say an hour.  The other day I made it 40 minutes.  My arms started to feel like lead and I was sweating.  Did I mention that all I was doing was cleaning the kitchen and picking up around the house?  So most days consist of me working in "spurts".  I clean up the dishes.  I do a load of laundry.  I pick up some stuff.  Etc. Etc.  And by the afternoon I feel like doing nothing, but.....I have the energy to go out.  To go out for coffee, which isn't exactly working.  So I need a break of the boredom here, but what do I do? 

I helped serve hot lunch at school one day, I have helped with lice check at the school and I have been asked to help serve cupcakes on Valentines Day at the school too.  Only one problem....that is the place I used to work.  So I feel guilty for volunteering and working, even though I know that those are two totally different circumstances.  I like to be involved still as much as I can.  My children attend there and will for many more years.  It gives me a connection to something I've lost. 

I feel lonely being by myself all day, yet if I step out I feel as though the world is looking at me like "what's so wrong"?  And then I feel guilty for not contributing in some way.  How do I find a balance in a small town where everyone knows you, and everyone is watching?