Wednesday, 13 February 2013

Lonliness and Guilt

I sit here and write to you at 1:00am.  The thing is, it's no different at 1:00am than it is for me at 1:00pm.  Still here with no one around.  It's a lonely time.  I have been at home for 7 months now and I still struggle with the guilt.

 I have never been much of a homemaker.  I like to be out and about and would rather shovel the driveway than drag out a vacuum cleaner.  I don't like cooking and cleaning and I find it sooo hard to motivate myself to do these things.  The problem now is that I'm not entirely sure what is what?  I have read that MS fatigue also affects your ambition and motivation.  That however, is something I struggle with at the best of times.  So how do I know what is what?  Is it just me or the disease?  I have put that theory to the test many of times.  Actually going full throttle and cleaning with the intent on working for lets say an hour.  The other day I made it 40 minutes.  My arms started to feel like lead and I was sweating.  Did I mention that all I was doing was cleaning the kitchen and picking up around the house?  So most days consist of me working in "spurts".  I clean up the dishes.  I do a load of laundry.  I pick up some stuff.  Etc. Etc.  And by the afternoon I feel like doing nothing, but.....I have the energy to go out.  To go out for coffee, which isn't exactly working.  So I need a break of the boredom here, but what do I do? 

I helped serve hot lunch at school one day, I have helped with lice check at the school and I have been asked to help serve cupcakes on Valentines Day at the school too.  Only one problem....that is the place I used to work.  So I feel guilty for volunteering and working, even though I know that those are two totally different circumstances.  I like to be involved still as much as I can.  My children attend there and will for many more years.  It gives me a connection to something I've lost. 

I feel lonely being by myself all day, yet if I step out I feel as though the world is looking at me like "what's so wrong"?  And then I feel guilty for not contributing in some way.  How do I find a balance in a small town where everyone knows you, and everyone is watching? 


  1. It is hard being in a small town, someone once said to me, "don't worry about what others think of you cuz most don't"
    It is more ourselves thinking that people are thinking something of us. And even at that what matters is what God thinks. Your children seeing you in the school helping out is more important than "if" someone is wondering something about why are you there. Give your children the memories. They are the ones that will be there with us as we grow old. Take the opportunity when you are having a good day to be at your child's school, go to town, go have coffee....
    Love you Charis and we are praying for you!!!!

    1. Thanks Rochelle. I ended up talking to the insurance company and the school just to ease my mind of the things I can and can't do legally. Good news! I can totally volunteer when I am feeling capable but I will have to deal with peoples perception. I do feel as though I deal with that every day living in a small town. It's impossible to avoid everyone! So when do you want to do coffee ?