I sit here and write to you at 1:00am. The thing is, it's no different at 1:00am than it is for me at 1:00pm. Still here with no one around. It's a lonely time. I have been at home for 7 months now and I still struggle with the guilt.
I have never been much of a homemaker. I like to be out and about and would rather shovel the driveway than drag out a vacuum cleaner. I don't like cooking and cleaning and I find it sooo hard to motivate myself to do these things. The problem now is that I'm not entirely sure what is what? I have read that MS fatigue also affects your ambition and motivation. That however, is something I struggle with at the best of times. So how do I know what is what? Is it just me or the disease? I have put that theory to the test many of times. Actually going full throttle and cleaning with the intent on working for lets say an hour. The other day I made it 40 minutes. My arms started to feel like lead and I was sweating. Did I mention that all I was doing was cleaning the kitchen and picking up around the house? So most days consist of me working in "spurts". I clean up the dishes. I do a load of laundry. I pick up some stuff. Etc. Etc. And by the afternoon I feel like doing nothing, but.....I have the energy to go out. To go out for coffee, which isn't exactly working. So I need a break of the boredom here, but what do I do?
I helped serve hot lunch at school one day, I have helped with lice check at the school and I have been asked to help serve cupcakes on Valentines Day at the school too. Only one problem....that is the place I used to work. So I feel guilty for volunteering and working, even though I know that those are two totally different circumstances. I like to be involved still as much as I can. My children attend there and will for many more years. It gives me a connection to something I've lost.
I feel lonely being by myself all day, yet if I step out I feel as though the world is looking at me like "what's so wrong"? And then I feel guilty for not contributing in some way. How do I find a balance in a small town where everyone knows you, and everyone is watching?