This is what came out via texting with Shawn this morning. We had a bit of a rough morning.
Charis: What's going on? I thought work was good.
Shawn: Work is fine.
Charis: Ok so if its not just me and the kids what else is it?
Shawn: I meant its not just how you and the kids feel. It isn't very often that someone wonders how I'm doing with all this. I try very hard not to express my feelings on all of this to keep you sheltered because you are still dealing with it yourself. I try to be strong but in the end I am weak too. I break, I hurt, I cry, I feel lost and very helpless.
Charis: Because of how it affects life? Or because you are sad for me? I have asked and many people have asked me how you handle it and I have to tell them what I see which is nothing. U want me to open up yet u do not. In the end it's easier for me to know you struggle with this than to have u explode here.
Shawn: I can deal with how it affects life if we are ready to deal with it. We're not there yet. I am sad for you because of how it is affecting you and how it is affecting us as a couple and how it is affecting us as a family.
Charis: At least I know what to expect
Shawn: I have to keep it in because you don't handle when I am stressed very well. My stress means more stress for you and you have enough.
Charis: U feeling sad and upset isn't necessarily that u are stressed but I would rather see that and deal with it than it be out on the kids
Shawn: It's because I feel like I try so hard and where you are at right now has given me nothing to show it is helping. You are so sad all the time and I do things to try and draw you closer and you don't budge. Call it selfish but I am trying to bring you closer for me too.
Charis: It's not selfish. Everyone tells me that I need to go through the grieving process but to be honest I've never had to go through it and I think it's different going through it over yourself! Usually it's for someone else. I don't even know what the process looks like. How do u grieve over your own life?
Shawn: I don't know. Is it just feeling sorry for yourself for a while then accepting and moving on? If it is then you are already in the middle of it but it has to run it's course. Your life isn't over it's just changed.
Charis: Changed a lot. And I think I grieve over the things that I can't do. Over the loss of hope. I guess I always made plans like maybe I can do this later or this or should I go to school or whatever. And maybe those things never would have happened, but at least I could dream about them or think what if. There was hope and we all do that with life but now I'm not sure what to hope for or what kind of plans to make. I'm sure I will think of things but now it's almost grieving over the things that could've been.
I honestly thought that I could go to Thompson for spring break. I probably wouldn't end up doing it but then I realized that that's not an option because I dont think i can drive for that long or what if I relapse while I'm there? How would I get back?
It's things like that. My options are being taken away because of what ifs
Shawn: Yes and it takes time to see those new dreams through the cloudiness of life. You had time to build those dreams and they were taken instantly.
Charis:And with this disease it constantly changes and somedays can be so different from one another that its almost impossible to plan
Shawn: And finally you have spoken of what your issues are.
Charis: I have a hard time even planning for summer holidays because what if I relapse? Or what if it happens when we are gone?
I'm sorry for being distant but it know that it's not you. This time it is 100% me. I honestly don't know if I could get through this without you.
Shawn: If I am with you it's not as big of deal. And that's why it isn't bad going and staying with family.