Sunday, 23 February 2014

The Secret Side

I'm laying here thinking about how this sucks. I can see it coming. I know the signs but sit in denial yet again. I've had symptoms for weeks now. Here and there. On and off. It's just been more constant. 

I woke up today with back spasms or cramping. I googled it. Only because I sometimes have no idea if it's a symptom or something else. It can definitely be related. So then I go to the rink and at intermission I feel like I have jello for legs. I get home and crash. Sleep for a good couple of hours only to wake up and have the left side of my face numb and weak legs. I go to the rink again and I wonder why I push myself. I don't know. I guess I just try to live as normal as possible and it's better than sitting around here.

My friend asks how I'm doing and I start crying. Right there in the rink full of people. I lay here with tingling legs. It's easy for me to put a brave face on. Kind of have a split personality. Lol. I tell you this especially for those who saw me today and think everything is fine, to say that things are not always as they appear. And to be real in this blogging experience. 

It's easy to hide things when you don't have a visible crutch. Everything is not always as it appears. It's like a secret side of life. So please be slow to judge. Not only in my case but in the case of others. You never know what life is like for someone else. So show them love and kindness instead of anger and ridicule. 

And thank you to my friend(s) for asking. :). Sometimes you just need a shoulder to cry on. xoxo

Wednesday, 19 February 2014


I still struggle with feeling the need to justify myself to others.  I don't deal with insults or rude remarks but sometimes its the questions people ask.  I answer, but feel this need to have them understand and to agree with me.  I want so desperately to have someone understand exactly what it is I deal with.  Why I can do some things and not others.  Why I do or say the things I do.  This disease is so complicated.  Mood swings, slurred speech.  Things that you would just chalk up to being grumpy or mixed your words up (haha).  Forgetting things like meeting your friends for a date.  It's not that I don't care or that I'm caught up in my own world.  I feel like these things are getting so much worse and it's harder for me to act like myself.  There are days when I just want to stay away, to be in my own world.  But on the other hand there are days when I can't stand to be myself cause I'm driving myself crazy!

 In some aspects of this disease it feels like a mental illness.  They say it causes depression.  I'm not depressed because I have MS but there are days where I think I feel that MS is causing the depression, much like a drug can cause depression.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not depressed but I have days that I feel angry and short fused and I know it's because the MS is causing it.  It's not a conclusion you can come to overnight because you need to take in many other factors.  See there I go again....feeling the need to justify my conclusion. 

I'm frustrated and feeling pretty alone in this battle right now.  There are things that are going on in my body.  I know things aren't normal right now and if I was to have an MRI right now I would bet money that I have "active" lesions right now.  I just really really wish that I was normal again.