Thursday, 27 December 2012


So Christmas went quite well.  We had a great time with Shawn's family.  Christmas Eve was when we did our traditional turkey supper.  I must say that it was a tough day.  By the time supper was done I was pooped!  I slept for a couple of hours after supper.  It felt like I had been on my feet ALL day!  I used the example of when Shawn and I used to work at McDonald's and would work all day without a break....that's what it felt like except I had only been in the kitchen the afternoon.  Christmas Day I slept in the afternoon. 

What I realize is that I can't do a full day.  I can't do a day that is full of walking around or standing up.  I get tired way too easily.  Usually I can putz around the house and sit at the rink.  A day like that still puts me to bed early and sometimes with an afternoon nap, but a person's regular day...I can't make it through.  I have to sit.  It's so hard to explain, but this fatigue thing is gonna be an issue unless I find a job that i can sit at.  And I don't want to spend all of my energy at a job and have none left for's a bit of a dilemma.

Today we are heading to the city to see a couple of my brothers and their families.  Looking forward to it!  But I think I'll nap on the way in. JK LOL

Monday, 17 December 2012

Which seed are you?

God may bend me, but I won't break.  That sums up a song I was listening to this morning.  Life is so crazy right now, so busy and I think sometimes...why do we do it?  Why do we let it be so busy?  There are times when I feel like I don't live up to the worlds expectations as a Christian.  Did I spend enough time with God?  How come we haven't been to church?  I have come to realize that it's not about how much or when I spent time with God.  Yes this helps us stay strong in our walk with him, but He isn't keeping a chart.  There isn't a certain quota we need to make.  Our job is to let Christ be shown through everything we do. 

This time of year is especially busy for us because of hockey, but I realized that there are so many opportunities that I have missed to be an example.  It's easy to get worked up during a game, get caught up in all of the gossip, to jump on a band wagon of one person or another.  I could write a book about everything I hear at that rink.  Most of the time I don't get involved, but there are times when I get caught up in it just as much as everyone else does.  What bothers me most is that most of the parents attitudes start rubbing off on their kids, including mine.  "Oh we lost cause the refs suck." That may very well be the case but our attitude is not helping or changing anything.  The only thing it does is harbour a bitter seed that grows and grows and finally it sprouts.  Once a seed sprouts everyone can see it.  I saw this weekend two things in my kids that upon reflection I wasn't so proud of.  One was a small altercation, but with a teammate. And my son was the one trying to tell him what to do.  Okay so not the worst thing, but then my next son tells me a story...

"You know that boys with the long hair that looks like a girl?  We called him the woMAN.  He checked me and told me to "suck it".  So I told him he better watch out woMAN.  He two handed slashed me and got a penalty."

My first reaction was pride.  Glad he stood up to this kid who was trying to cause trouble from the start, the kid who refused to shake hands with our team afterwards.  Glad that my son had drawn a penalty.

We all have this sense of entitlement.  That we are entitled to our opinion, entitled to what's right and fair. Do we trust God?  Do we trust that He will work things out?  That He knows better than us?  Our opinions when expressed to everyone else usually ends up in complaining and complaining usually means we're gossiping.  And gossip is that seed, that seed that eventually sprouts.  And it's never a pretty flower.  It's more like a dandelion, where those that don't know any better think it's a pretty flower, but those of us that do, know it's an ugly weed, which spreads like wildfire.  Which seed are you?  One that is a flower or one that's a weed?

Tuesday, 11 December 2012

Counting My Blessings

I'm gonna be okay.  No matter what kind of days I have, I have so many things to be thankful for.  My support system is great!  I have a family who cares, accommodates, and who ultimately are there for me no matter what.  I have a pretty good quality of life still, and I think most of my fears result in the what ifs.  So what if....?  I can't worry about that because it hasn't happened and worrying never got anybody anywhere, except down.  God loves me, has a plan for me and I will live out that plan.  I am not saying I will never have days that I am down, as I'm sure there are many more to come but I vow from here on in to fight.  Every day I wake up I will count my blessings, before I count my misfortunes.  I will try my best not to be afraid or discouraged.  That is my prayer for my days here on forward. 

I start my meds within the next week and I have so many unanswered questions revolving around work that need to be answered this week, but I will take this one day at a time.  I only have one life to live and I'm gonna live it for the One who created me and ultimately knows me better than I know myself.

I hated this song as a kid but the words really apply...

When upon life’s billows you are tempest tossed,
When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost,
Count your many blessings, name them one by one,
And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.
Count your blessings, name them one by one,
Count your blessings, see what God hath done!
Count your blessings, name them one by one,
And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.

Are you ever burdened with a load of care?
Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear?
Count your many blessings, every doubt will fly,
And you will keep singing as the days go by.

When you look at others with their lands and gold,
Think that Christ has promised you His wealth untold;
Count your many blessings. Wealth can never buy
Your reward in heaven, nor your home on high.

So, amid the conflict whether great or small,
Do not be disheartened, God is over all;
Count your many blessings, angels will attend,
Help and comfort give you to your journey’s end.

Thursday, 6 December 2012


Waking up and getting up are a challenge.  Every morning I just want to lie in bed.  Depression?  Maybe....Although I don't know why...I feel happy sometimes, but not real happiness, just the kind that you put on for the day so others don't think you're weird.  I don't call back my friends, I don't initiate conversations....I don't even want to be anywhere but at home. I feel like crying most of the time.  I get mad at the kids easier. I don't even want to admit that there is an issue because I feel bad enough already for my family feeling bad for me!  Shawn is probably stressed too but I don't want to even ask about that for fear that if he is stressed I will be more stressed!

I'm supposed to go back to work in less than a month, but yet I know I don't feel right yet.  I have afternoon naps and go to bed way earlier than I used to.  I get up later too.  I have an appointment tomorrow to talk about the different meds.  Do I want to inject myself one a week or once a day?  I think off hand the once a day med is better but I would rather only have to stick myself once a week.
Oh and then there's Christmas!!  I love Christmas... I do.  That probably is least worrisome for me because everyone will be home then and I won't be so alone and have so much time to think.

People are always asking how I'm doing and for once I would like to say "GREAT"!  I feel like I'm always being negative.  "Oh all right. Getting better. Ah. Ok." 

I just feel like a different person.  Usually I'm a fly by the seat of my pants kinda person.  It takes a lot to bother me.  Now I feel like I'm the negative, no fun, always worried kinda person.  And I don't like it. I just don't know how to fix it.