Thursday, 28 February 2013

The Grieving Process

This is what came out via texting with Shawn this morning. We had a bit of a rough morning.

Charis: What's going on? I thought work was good.

Shawn: Work is fine.

Charis: Ok so if its not just me and the kids what else is it?

Shawn: I meant its not just how you and the kids feel. It isn't very often that someone wonders how I'm doing with all this. I try very hard not to express my feelings on all of this to keep you sheltered because you are still dealing with it yourself. I try to be strong but in the end I am weak too. I break, I hurt, I cry, I feel lost and very helpless.

Charis: Because of how it affects life? Or because you are sad for me? I have asked and many people have asked me how you handle it and I have to tell them what I see which is nothing. U want me to open up yet u do not. In the end it's easier for me to know you struggle with this than to have u explode here.

Shawn: I can deal with how it affects life if we are ready to deal with it. We're not there yet. I am sad for you because of how it is affecting you and how it is affecting us as a couple and how it is affecting us as a family.

Charis: At least I know what to expect

Shawn: I have to keep it in because you don't handle when I am stressed very well. My stress means more stress for you and you have enough.

Charis: U feeling sad and upset isn't necessarily that u are stressed but I would rather see that and deal with it than it be out on the kids

Shawn: It's because I feel like I try so hard and where you are at right now has given me nothing to show it is helping. You are so sad all the time and I do things to try and draw you closer and you don't budge. Call it selfish but I am trying to bring you closer for me too.

Charis: It's not selfish. Everyone tells me that I need to go through the grieving process but to be honest I've never had to go through it and I think it's different going through it over yourself! Usually it's for someone else. I don't even know what the process looks like. How do u grieve over your own life?

Shawn: I don't know. Is it just feeling sorry for yourself for a while then accepting and moving on? If it is then you are already in the middle of it but it has to run it's course. Your life isn't over it's just changed.

Charis: Changed a lot. And I think I grieve over the things that I can't do. Over the loss of hope. I guess I always made plans like maybe I can do this later or this or should I go to school or whatever. And maybe those things never would have happened, but at least I could dream about them or think what if. There was hope and we all do that with life but now I'm not sure what to hope for or what kind of plans to make. I'm sure I will think of things but now it's almost grieving over the things that could've been. I honestly thought that I could go to Thompson for spring break. I probably wouldn't end up doing it but then I realized that that's not an option because I dont think i can drive for that long or what if I relapse while I'm there? How would I get back? It's things like that. My options are being taken away because of what ifs

Shawn: Yes and it takes time to see those new dreams through the cloudiness of life. You had time to build those dreams and they were taken instantly.

Charis:And with this disease it constantly changes and somedays can be so different from one another that its almost impossible to plan

Shawn: And finally you have spoken of what your issues are.

Charis: I have a hard time even planning for summer holidays because what if I relapse? Or what if it happens when we are gone? I'm sorry for being distant but it know that it's not you. This time it is 100% me. I honestly don't know if I could get through this without you.

Shawn: If I am with you it's not as big of deal. And that's why it isn't bad going and staying with family.

Charis: True

Tuesday, 26 February 2013

When the Novelty is Gone

I have had a rush of emotions today.  One minute I was fine, then the next I was crying, then laughing at something.  All the while wondering what is wrong with me? 

I went with Shawn for lunch and he told me that he was frustrated with me.  Why?  I asked.  "Because you just seem disengaged."  "Have you accepted all of this?"  NO! That is how I answered, without hesitation.  I haven't.  I wake up doing the same thing every day.  I stared at my needle this morning thinking how is this 1ml of medicine going to help?  I stared at the mess in the house and wondered, is this my purpose now?  To pick up after everyone? 

I told Shawn.  It's only been 4 months.  I know that seems like a long time, but it's not.  And only in the past month have I had everything finally figured out in regards to appointments, medication, work, etc.  I finally feel like I'm able to say, "This is it.  I have done everything that needs to get done, and now life goes on."  Only I don't know how.  The novelty is gone for everyone else and I feel like I'm only really just beginning.  It's like watching from a window while the whole world lives their life and you are stuck behind that glass.  Except it works like a one way mirror.  I can see out but no one can see in.

Monday, 25 February 2013

Planning Life?

The past 3 days have been somewhat of a downer.  I went shopping today with some friends and made it through while having a great time!  I really needed it.  A vacation is definitely in order this summer.  I'm not sure where exactly or when, but we all just need to get away and have some fun! 

The bottom of the sides of my feet are half numb again and my hands have had these random little shooting pains in them.  I feel physically tired as well.  It is tiring just to walk around which is why I am super happy I made it today! Even if it was only a couple of hours.

I just don't know if I can fully wrap my head around the idea of life being like this.  Always dealing with the unexpected.  I don't even know how to plan for a vacation, because I don't know what kind of condition I will be in.  I guess it's a good thing I've always been good with spontaneity, cause I think life is going to have to be lived a bit on the fly. Planning on having to change your plans.

Friday, 22 February 2013

Same old thing

I'm starting to adjust.  It's still difficult some days.  Most people work and so the days can be long and boring.  It was different when I had little ones at home.  They kept me busy and there were things we could do and places to go.  I have in a sense more free time than I would like.  I have great intentions of my house being the neatest in town but that quite frankly is a huge understatement!  The more I look around the more overwhelmed I feel.  It's not too bad to keep up with the basics but the extras!  That's what kills me!  I also need someone here to inspire me. lol  I kind of feel like a factory worker who works on an assembly line.  Doing the same old thing day in and day out.  Dishes, laundry, vacuum, cook.  Dishes, laundry, vacuum, cook.  I try to feel joy and excitement in it, but I just can't.  It's so utterly boring!  I think it doesn't help that it's winter.  I can't wait for summer! 

This blog wasn't meant to be about complaining about housework. It's supposed to let you know how much of a life adjustment it is.  And it doesn't happen overnight that you become accustomed to it.  Hockey life is winding down and then I wonder...what will fill my evenings then?  Will they be as boring as my mornings and afternoons?  It's gonna make for a REALLY long day then.  How do I stay inspired?

Wednesday, 13 February 2013

Lonliness and Guilt

I sit here and write to you at 1:00am.  The thing is, it's no different at 1:00am than it is for me at 1:00pm.  Still here with no one around.  It's a lonely time.  I have been at home for 7 months now and I still struggle with the guilt.

 I have never been much of a homemaker.  I like to be out and about and would rather shovel the driveway than drag out a vacuum cleaner.  I don't like cooking and cleaning and I find it sooo hard to motivate myself to do these things.  The problem now is that I'm not entirely sure what is what?  I have read that MS fatigue also affects your ambition and motivation.  That however, is something I struggle with at the best of times.  So how do I know what is what?  Is it just me or the disease?  I have put that theory to the test many of times.  Actually going full throttle and cleaning with the intent on working for lets say an hour.  The other day I made it 40 minutes.  My arms started to feel like lead and I was sweating.  Did I mention that all I was doing was cleaning the kitchen and picking up around the house?  So most days consist of me working in "spurts".  I clean up the dishes.  I do a load of laundry.  I pick up some stuff.  Etc. Etc.  And by the afternoon I feel like doing nothing, but.....I have the energy to go out.  To go out for coffee, which isn't exactly working.  So I need a break of the boredom here, but what do I do? 

I helped serve hot lunch at school one day, I have helped with lice check at the school and I have been asked to help serve cupcakes on Valentines Day at the school too.  Only one problem....that is the place I used to work.  So I feel guilty for volunteering and working, even though I know that those are two totally different circumstances.  I like to be involved still as much as I can.  My children attend there and will for many more years.  It gives me a connection to something I've lost. 

I feel lonely being by myself all day, yet if I step out I feel as though the world is looking at me like "what's so wrong"?  And then I feel guilty for not contributing in some way.  How do I find a balance in a small town where everyone knows you, and everyone is watching? 

Monday, 4 February 2013


It's Monday and once again I'm beat!  Not just sleepy, but my legs feel like jello and my whole body is tired.  Kind of like when you have the flu and it's tiring just to walk to the bathroom. 

They say to take it easy and not push yourself or "overdo it".  Well that's exactly what happens on hockey weekends, however, I just can't help it.  I LOVE watching my boys play!  I realized that adrenaline actually keeps me going.  On Saturday I was at a tournament with Connor out of town.  Cole had a game in town, so I booked it back to town to watch Cole's game and then left right away to drive Connor back to his game which was about 35 minutes away.  When the day was finally over, it was a 14 hour day of hockey.  As soon as Connor's last game of hockey was done and I sat in the van I was bagged!  Then I got up on Sunday and did it again, knowing that I would pay the price today. 

So this isn't a pity blog, but one to just be real. To let you know how much different a weekend is.  How much more work it can be. I know I overdo it.  But the weekends are just that, the weekend and Monday is my day of rest.  I know this next weekend will be rough, because it's an away tournament and last time it took me a whole week to recover.  I think half the battle this time is knowing what to expect and being prepared for it.