Tuesday, 26 February 2013

When the Novelty is Gone

I have had a rush of emotions today.  One minute I was fine, then the next I was crying, then laughing at something.  All the while wondering what is wrong with me? 

I went with Shawn for lunch and he told me that he was frustrated with me.  Why?  I asked.  "Because you just seem disengaged."  "Have you accepted all of this?"  NO! That is how I answered, without hesitation.  I haven't.  I wake up doing the same thing every day.  I stared at my needle this morning thinking how is this 1ml of medicine going to help?  I stared at the mess in the house and wondered, is this my purpose now?  To pick up after everyone? 

I told Shawn.  It's only been 4 months.  I know that seems like a long time, but it's not.  And only in the past month have I had everything finally figured out in regards to appointments, medication, work, etc.  I finally feel like I'm able to say, "This is it.  I have done everything that needs to get done, and now life goes on."  Only I don't know how.  The novelty is gone for everyone else and I feel like I'm only really just beginning.  It's like watching from a window while the whole world lives their life and you are stuck behind that glass.  Except it works like a one way mirror.  I can see out but no one can see in.

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