I have had a rush of emotions today. One minute I was fine, then the next I was crying, then laughing at something. All the while wondering what is wrong with me?
I went with Shawn for lunch and he told me that he was frustrated with me. Why? I asked. "Because you just seem disengaged." "Have you accepted all of this?" NO! That is how I answered, without hesitation. I haven't. I wake up doing the same thing every day. I stared at my needle this morning thinking how is this 1ml of medicine going to help? I stared at the mess in the house and wondered, is this my purpose now? To pick up after everyone?
I told Shawn. It's only been 4 months. I know that seems like a long time, but it's not. And only in the past month have I had everything finally figured out in regards to appointments, medication, work, etc. I finally feel like I'm able to say, "This is it. I have done everything that needs to get done, and now life goes on." Only I don't know how. The novelty is gone for everyone else and I feel like I'm only really just beginning. It's like watching from a window while the whole world lives their life and you are stuck behind that glass. Except it works like a one way mirror. I can see out but no one can see in.