Waking up and getting up are a challenge. Every morning I just want to lie in bed. Depression? Maybe....Although I don't know why...I feel happy sometimes, but not real happiness, just the kind that you put on for the day so others don't think you're weird. I don't call back my friends, I don't initiate conversations....I don't even want to be anywhere but at home. I feel like crying most of the time. I get mad at the kids easier. I don't even want to admit that there is an issue because I feel bad enough already for my family feeling bad for me! Shawn is probably stressed too but I don't want to even ask about that for fear that if he is stressed I will be more stressed!
I'm supposed to go back to work in less than a month, but yet I know I don't feel right yet. I have afternoon naps and go to bed way earlier than I used to. I get up later too. I have an appointment tomorrow to talk about the different meds. Do I want to inject myself one a week or once a day? I think off hand the once a day med is better but I would rather only have to stick myself once a week.
Oh and then there's Christmas!! I love Christmas... I do. That probably is least worrisome for me because everyone will be home then and I won't be so alone and have so much time to think.
People are always asking how I'm doing and for once I would like to say "GREAT"! I feel like I'm always being negative. "Oh all right. Getting better. Ah. Ok."
I just feel like a different person. Usually I'm a fly by the seat of my pants kinda person. It takes a lot to bother me. Now I feel like I'm the negative, no fun, always worried kinda person. And I don't like it. I just don't know how to fix it.
Everything you are feeling is natural. I wouldn't feel any pressure to rush through that mart of your MS journey. Just know that you are loved by so many through this process. And prayers abound too, even if you can't always feel their effects.
ReplyDeleteThere is nothing wrong with speaking to your doctor about these emotions too. Many patients with MS are on antidepressants or mood stabilizers, many people without MS are on them too, they are more common than people realize they are. Some of them provide just a little boost to get you out of that rut.
ReplyDeleteCharis you are a precious child of God, he loves you and cares for you in every moment. He holds you in your pain and joy. I am not sure how much scripture you are reading these days, maybe you are doing this already so than this will be an encouragement to keep it up. - Read the bible everyday and don't skip when you are tired or don't feel like it. The enemy of your life wants your day to go from bad to worse and he'll put road blocks in to do that, God's word will turn his plans for you to feel defeated upside down. Scripture will help you see what is true and right in each day that you are given for God's glory. What you will read may not change your circumstance but if you let it it will change our perspective. Here is a verse that encourages me often
ReplyDeleteIsaiah 40:28-31