3 days from now, it will have been a year since the doctor told me that it looked like I had MS. I remember walking out of that appointment dumbfounded. No emotion, just unbelief. I got into my vehicle and proceeded to drive home. I wasn't half way home from my 4 minute drive when it hit me. I bawled so hard it was hard to see the road. As I write this it brings back all of those feelings of being scared. Very scared. The unknown is very scary. I didn't really know what MS was but I thought I was gonna eventually be paralysed and wouldn't be able to walk or feel anything from the waist down. It never even occurred to me that I might have other problems waist up. I just didn't know much about it.
I then remember picking Shawn up from work and him asking me what was wrong. I couldn't even spit it out. I didn't know how to say the words. I did finally manage to tell him through more tears what the doctor had told me. His first reaction? I don't know what he was thinking but what he told me was what mattered even if I didn't believe him at the time. He told me it was going to be okay and that we would get through this. WE would get through this. Yup a big fear was what he was gonna do. It was a fear I didn't know was there until he said this. And it was such a relief to know that he wasn't going anywhere.
These aren't just words that he said to me that day, but has proven to me day after day, week after week, and month after month. I still struggle. I still shut down and become disconnected, but he stays strong. Having to handle the stress of providing for us on his own, picking up household responsibilities when I shut down, being involved with hockey, and the other stresses of life, all the while not showing how broken he must feel sometimes.
I needed to know that "he's got this". And because of that I can feel secure, protected, and cherished. WE are going to get through this, even if it means that sometimes he needs to carry me.