So I've had a relatively good week. The swelling in my hands is down. The numbness is a bit better in my hands and I can type much better! I have done dishes and laundry today and tied skates this past weekend. But this blog isn't about all of that.
It's about my relationships, with God, and with Shawn and my boys. Yesterday at church was a biggy for me. I still don't know how I feel completely about this whole thing of God healing people. I believe He can but I don't believe He always does (at least in the way we expect). And not because people didn't pray hard enough or have enough faith, but just because there is a purpose for things. I don't believe God gives you a sickness, but rather allows that to happen to you....just like Job. What I've come to realize though is that I still need to pray and ask God to make me better. However, that may look different than my first instinct of a complete recovery. I'm not saying God can't perform something miraculous, but healing may be in the form of my relapses being further apart or them not being as severe. I may not know what they could look like but if I don't ever pray and ask God to help then I can't expect anything. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I still feel like God can perform a miracle but I have a responsibility to maintain a relationship with him and continue to pray and seek out His direction in all of this.
I have been very stubborn the past couple of months. I told myself that I would still live my life and accept what has happened but I would not worship God to the fullest, because if He wanted to He could have prevented all of this. Everyday life was good. However going to church or praying about things other than my situation was too hard to do. How do I go to church and sing about how awesome God is and how He heals and is there for us when I don't feel any of that. I actually was just being stubborn! Consciously choosing to not open my bible or sing a song because if this was going to happen to me then I wasn't going to give God my all. Physically turning the radio station to a secular station because I didn't want to hear about wonderful He is.
I was angry at Shawn for not being bothered by this more! Everyone kept asking how Shawn is handling this and in my eyes it was almost too perfect! I know it's a good thing and I'm blessed by him not running away or being scared of what's going to happen, but I felt as if I needed him to be bothered by it to show that he cared. I even asked him last night if he had "even googled it all!"!! He told me he had in the beginning and I was ticked that he didn't google it more!
Angry is how I was feeling and with that came stubbornness. So yesterday I was broken and today I picked up my bible and didn't know where to start. James popped into my head and this is what it said...
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does."
I believe our family needed yesterday. I want our boys to have a relationship with God and I want them to see Shawn and I have one too. We were starting to go our separate ways, letting the business of life happen and now I feel as though we are back on track. Today is Monday and it may be a long week ahead but my focus has changed back to where it needs to be. I know I will still have days of struggling with being angry but it is like that in any relationship. I need to press on though and fight the good fight. As our pastor said yesterday, "I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired". I needed to come to the end of myself yesterday so I can have a new beginning.