I still struggle with feeling the need to justify myself to others. I don't deal with insults or rude remarks but sometimes its the questions people ask. I answer, but feel this need to have them understand and to agree with me. I want so desperately to have someone understand exactly what it is I deal with. Why I can do some things and not others. Why I do or say the things I do. This disease is so complicated. Mood swings, slurred speech. Things that you would just chalk up to being grumpy or mixed your words up (haha). Forgetting things like meeting your friends for a date. It's not that I don't care or that I'm caught up in my own world. I feel like these things are getting so much worse and it's harder for me to act like myself. There are days when I just want to stay away, to be in my own world. But on the other hand there are days when I can't stand to be myself cause I'm driving myself crazy!
In some aspects of this disease it feels like a mental illness. They say it causes depression. I'm not depressed because I have MS but there are days where I think I feel that MS is causing the depression, much like a drug can cause depression. Don't get me wrong, I'm not depressed but I have days that I feel angry and short fused and I know it's because the MS is causing it. It's not a conclusion you can come to overnight because you need to take in many other factors. See there I go again....feeling the need to justify my conclusion.
I'm frustrated and feeling pretty alone in this battle right now. There are things that are going on in my body. I know things aren't normal right now and if I was to have an MRI right now I would bet money that I have "active" lesions right now. I just really really wish that I was normal again.