Afraid

I realized something the past couple of nights.  I go to sleep afraid.  Every time I wake up in the middle of the night and when I wake up in the morning I check....check to make sure I can feel everything properly.  I wake up in the middle of the night and many times my hand is numb from the way I sleep.  (I think this happens more just because the circulation is having difficulties as it is.)  Having said that I stay afraid for those brief moments until I start having feeling back. 

The longest I have gone without relapsing is 2 and a half months.  In 3 weeks I will be at that point....I don't want to go back there yet.  I'm not ready.