The Things I Know

Sunday was a good day.  I had two people who came up to me and told me I looked great!  Yup that was a nice way to start the day! LOL  But that wasn't the only reason it was a good day...I realized or was reminded of some truths that I know.  What are those truths?  God made me. Well duh you say!?  No but God made ME!  As an individual he put thought and effort into making me!  And I am fearfully and wonderfully made.  Psalm 139:14. 

This isn't something that I often think about, but even this wasn't what struck me the most.  God has a plan and purpose for my life.  What is that?  Right now I don't know.  But here's the kicker...His plans for my life NEVER changed just because mine did..........He gave me talents and gifts and I still have a life that belongs to him.  I don't know what that plan is, but I need to prepare myself for it and search for what God wants me to do. 

I've put limits on myself.  Being apprehensive to commit to things because I'm afraid I will let people down.  That I'll have bad days or weeks and will have to back out of those commitments.  I've never let this disease tell me I can't do something at all but I have let it stop me from making anything a permanent decision because of the "what ifs".  I need to ask God what he wants me to do and trust that that is the best plan for my life.  My gut tells me that it's something more than going back to work to just make money so we can have more stuff, but then again maybe that's just my desire right now.

I also know one more thing and that is through Jesus I have can have peace.  That is something that no person can give me. 

Philippians 4:7 NLT
Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

Am I Going Back To Work?

This time last year I was a couple days away from having my life change.  This time last year I was at school with my colleagues, sending my kids off to school for another school year, enjoying the last of summer.  But two days later I ended up in the hospital for a week, had surgery to have my gall bladder removed only to wake up with numb fingers, which quickly escalated into what I now know as a major MS relapse.  A month later I had an official diagnosis and it's never been the same since. 

It's this time of year that I was dreading.  Hearing the never ending questions of "Are you going back to work?", "When are you going back to work?".  The answer always was I'm not, now I'm at the point of I don't think so.  It's stressful.  To have to think you may HAVE to go back, but then on one hand thinking how would that even be possible?  What's worse is the feeling like I need to explain to everyone why I'm not there.  I look normal.  I really wish there was something you could see, something to separate me from the rest of society.  I'm tired of explaining, tired of trying to come up with some answer that sounds legit enough to answer everyone's own judgment and opinion.  It's not that I don't want people to care, but ask IF you care, not because you need an answer to fill your never-ending curiosity.  It's not something I can explain and if my own family has a hard time comprehending it I doubt I'll be able to have a sufficient answer for the general public.

"New Year"

With only a couple of weeks left until school starts I find myself trying to stay occupied.  The garden stuff is coming in and hockey camps are starting too.  I really find that September is the "new year".  Everything starts back up and life seems to gain a routine again.  I have a couple of volunteer jobs set up for the fall and hopefully that will help cover some time.  I'll probably join some group at church and hockey will fill the evenings.  I can't believe I'm saying this but I'm looking forward to winter! 

It's kinda funny but I'm starting to fall back into the routine of being a stay at home mom again.  I think I actually kinda like it.  I enjoy it more than when my kids were babies.  See I have this "Freedom need" and with the kids gone to school I can have a few hours of where I can do the things I want to without tripping over little bodies.  lol  I feel like I'm more productive and with my new KitchenAid mixer it's easier to cook things.  I am finding joy in providing for my family other than financially.  It's just taken a bit to get back to that mentality. 

Getting There

It's been almost a month since I last blogged and I'm feeling a bit monotonous.  I apologize if it feels that way to you to but in the end I guess that's how life has felt for me the past year. 

We had a really good trip out to Ontario.  It was very hot and humid but I got through it.  We planned a day off in between each day pretty much and even the long days only turned out to be about 4 or 5 hours of actually being at the activity.  The longest day was the one that I thought would be the easiest!  Ha was I in for a surprise!  Thankfully that was our very first day there so I was feeling at the top of my game.  I did realize that trips like Disney World or the whole idea of sight seeing and travelling will be very difficult if we ever get a chance to do those things.  It's the walking.  I can't go more than a couple of hours without exhausting myself.  When we went to Niagra Falls we paid double for parking because it was too long of a walk for me to go from one destination to the other.  But all in all it was good and I'm very thankful that I had no major issues before or during the trip! 

Since we got back I've really tried to settle into the whole "housewife" role.  Surprisingly it's been pretty good.  Maybe the fact that it's summer and the sun is shining helps.  Or maybe it's because the kids are off and there are always kids coming and going.  Whatever the reason it's been nice.  Nice to feel useful and productive.  Life definitely isn't the same but I think I may finally be adjusting.  It's a work in progress but I'm getting there.

Anxiety

In 2 more days I find myself at the end of yet another school year.  The difference this time is that I have not worked.  It has been almost a year other than 3 days in September when I thought I would be going back.  I'm not sure I'm used to the idea or not.  There are many good things but the inner struggle of not having the option to go back is hard.  I find myself wishing it could somehow work out, but then thankful that I get to be here for my boys.  It's just that in some ways I feel like things haven't changed that much from a year ago.  I'm still struggling with this whole thing and I feel like I should be past it. Will there ever come a time when it isn't hard? 

We are going on a vacation for a couple of weeks and just the apprehension of being well enough to go and wondering how I'm going to get through the longer days that require lots of walking are worrisome.  I just don't want to screw it up by not feeling well or not being able to handle the days.  I also realize that I hate the hot weather.  Hate it.  The "experts" talk about an intolerance to heat and to some extent I knew it was an issue but after being outside for a brief time yesterday, I'd have to say that Shawn is right.  I definitely can't handle the heat like before.

Overall I'd say I'm just very anxious to go.  Shawn has been working long hours and Saturdays just so we can take this trip, but it's one that we need.  We just need to get away and relax and have fun together as a family.  That's why I am really afraid of ruining it by getting sick.  It's been a while since the last relapse and I know another one is coming...but when?

Who Wants To Have Coffee?

Yesterday I was at Cole's track meet.  It was almost a perfect day out!  I sat in the bleachers and watched.  Nothing too over exurting.  I didn't even have to drive.  I came home, made some simple supper, took my son to his new schools open house and then went out and transplanted some plants for my garden.  Then I came in and was sooo tired.  My legs ached my arms ached.  And it's something like hitting a brick wall.  I didn't think I was that tired til it hit. 

I'm not sure I'll ever completely get used to it.  Maybe I'll start to expect it, but in my eyes it was a pretty easy going day.  I was up at 6:30 though and was on the go the whole day but still.

This was the 3rd track day in 2 weeks and there are more events for the kids, just because it's June.  I am fortunate enough to be able to go to all of these things now that I haven't been working.  There are many days though that I still have a hard time with that concept.  I like the thought of being home but I like the thought of working too and it's hard to grasp my head around not having a choice.  Maybe it would be different if there were more stay at home moms.  But most people work or stay at home but have little kids.  Which is okay too but I kind of feel on the outside having kids in school and staying home. Boy I miss the hockey season already.... because it was my social life.  Now I have to work a lot harder at having one.  People aren't as readily available to help me fill my time:) 

Soooo if you're bored call me!  LOL  I will do coffee almost anytime! 

The Courage of a Man

3 days from now, it will have been a year since the doctor told me that it looked like I had MS.  I remember walking out of that appointment dumbfounded. No emotion, just unbelief.  I got into my vehicle and proceeded to drive home.  I wasn't half way home from my 4 minute drive when it hit me.  I bawled so hard it was hard to see the road.  As I write this it brings back all of those feelings of being scared.  Very scared.  The unknown is very scary.  I didn't really know what MS was but I thought I was gonna eventually be paralysed and wouldn't be able to walk or feel anything from the waist down.  It never even occurred to me that I might have other problems waist up.  I just didn't know much about it. 

I then remember picking Shawn up from work and him asking me what was wrong.  I couldn't even spit it out.  I didn't know how to say the words.  I did finally manage to tell him through more tears what the doctor had told me.  His first reaction?  I don't know what he was thinking but what he told me was what mattered even if I didn't believe him at the time.  He told me it was going to be okay and that we would get through this.  WE would get through this.  Yup a big fear was what he was gonna do.  It was a fear I didn't know was there until he said this.  And it was such a relief to know that he wasn't going anywhere.

These aren't just words that he said to me that day, but has proven to me day after day, week after week, and month after month.  I still struggle.  I still shut down and become disconnected, but he stays strong.  Having to handle the stress of providing for us on his own, picking up household responsibilities when I shut down, being involved with hockey, and the other stresses of life,  all the while not showing how broken he must feel sometimes. 

I needed to know that "he's got this".  And because of that I can feel secure, protected, and cherished.  WE are going to get through this, even if it means that sometimes he needs to carry me.