With only a couple of weeks left until school starts I find myself trying to stay occupied. The garden stuff is coming in and hockey camps are starting too. I really find that September is the "new year". Everything starts back up and life seems to gain a routine again. I have a couple of volunteer jobs set up for the fall and hopefully that will help cover some time. I'll probably join some group at church and hockey will fill the evenings. I can't believe I'm saying this but I'm looking forward to winter!
It's kinda funny but I'm starting to fall back into the routine of being a stay at home mom again. I think I actually kinda like it. I enjoy it more than when my kids were babies. See I have this "Freedom need" and with the kids gone to school I can have a few hours of where I can do the things I want to without tripping over little bodies. lol I feel like I'm more productive and with my new KitchenAid mixer it's easier to cook things. I am finding joy in providing for my family other than financially. It's just taken a bit to get back to that mentality.
Saturday, 17 August 2013
Tuesday, 23 July 2013
Getting There
It's been almost a month since I last blogged and I'm feeling a bit monotonous. I apologize if it feels that way to you to but in the end I guess that's how life has felt for me the past year.
We had a really good trip out to Ontario. It was very hot and humid but I got through it. We planned a day off in between each day pretty much and even the long days only turned out to be about 4 or 5 hours of actually being at the activity. The longest day was the one that I thought would be the easiest! Ha was I in for a surprise! Thankfully that was our very first day there so I was feeling at the top of my game. I did realize that trips like Disney World or the whole idea of sight seeing and travelling will be very difficult if we ever get a chance to do those things. It's the walking. I can't go more than a couple of hours without exhausting myself. When we went to Niagra Falls we paid double for parking because it was too long of a walk for me to go from one destination to the other. But all in all it was good and I'm very thankful that I had no major issues before or during the trip!
Since we got back I've really tried to settle into the whole "housewife" role. Surprisingly it's been pretty good. Maybe the fact that it's summer and the sun is shining helps. Or maybe it's because the kids are off and there are always kids coming and going. Whatever the reason it's been nice. Nice to feel useful and productive. Life definitely isn't the same but I think I may finally be adjusting. It's a work in progress but I'm getting there.
We had a really good trip out to Ontario. It was very hot and humid but I got through it. We planned a day off in between each day pretty much and even the long days only turned out to be about 4 or 5 hours of actually being at the activity. The longest day was the one that I thought would be the easiest! Ha was I in for a surprise! Thankfully that was our very first day there so I was feeling at the top of my game. I did realize that trips like Disney World or the whole idea of sight seeing and travelling will be very difficult if we ever get a chance to do those things. It's the walking. I can't go more than a couple of hours without exhausting myself. When we went to Niagra Falls we paid double for parking because it was too long of a walk for me to go from one destination to the other. But all in all it was good and I'm very thankful that I had no major issues before or during the trip!
Since we got back I've really tried to settle into the whole "housewife" role. Surprisingly it's been pretty good. Maybe the fact that it's summer and the sun is shining helps. Or maybe it's because the kids are off and there are always kids coming and going. Whatever the reason it's been nice. Nice to feel useful and productive. Life definitely isn't the same but I think I may finally be adjusting. It's a work in progress but I'm getting there.
Tuesday, 25 June 2013
Anxiety
In 2 more days I find myself at the end of yet another school year. The difference this time is that I have not worked. It has been almost a year other than 3 days in September when I thought I would be going back. I'm not sure I'm used to the idea or not. There are many good things but the inner struggle of not having the option to go back is hard. I find myself wishing it could somehow work out, but then thankful that I get to be here for my boys. It's just that in some ways I feel like things haven't changed that much from a year ago. I'm still struggling with this whole thing and I feel like I should be past it. Will there ever come a time when it isn't hard?
We are going on a vacation for a couple of weeks and just the apprehension of being well enough to go and wondering how I'm going to get through the longer days that require lots of walking are worrisome. I just don't want to screw it up by not feeling well or not being able to handle the days. I also realize that I hate the hot weather. Hate it. The "experts" talk about an intolerance to heat and to some extent I knew it was an issue but after being outside for a brief time yesterday, I'd have to say that Shawn is right. I definitely can't handle the heat like before.
Overall I'd say I'm just very anxious to go. Shawn has been working long hours and Saturdays just so we can take this trip, but it's one that we need. We just need to get away and relax and have fun together as a family. That's why I am really afraid of ruining it by getting sick. It's been a while since the last relapse and I know another one is coming...but when?
We are going on a vacation for a couple of weeks and just the apprehension of being well enough to go and wondering how I'm going to get through the longer days that require lots of walking are worrisome. I just don't want to screw it up by not feeling well or not being able to handle the days. I also realize that I hate the hot weather. Hate it. The "experts" talk about an intolerance to heat and to some extent I knew it was an issue but after being outside for a brief time yesterday, I'd have to say that Shawn is right. I definitely can't handle the heat like before.
Overall I'd say I'm just very anxious to go. Shawn has been working long hours and Saturdays just so we can take this trip, but it's one that we need. We just need to get away and relax and have fun together as a family. That's why I am really afraid of ruining it by getting sick. It's been a while since the last relapse and I know another one is coming...but when?
Thursday, 6 June 2013
Who Wants To Have Coffee?
Yesterday I was at Cole's track meet. It was almost a perfect day out! I sat in the bleachers and watched. Nothing too over exurting. I didn't even have to drive. I came home, made some simple supper, took my son to his new schools open house and then went out and transplanted some plants for my garden. Then I came in and was sooo tired. My legs ached my arms ached. And it's something like hitting a brick wall. I didn't think I was that tired til it hit.
I'm not sure I'll ever completely get used to it. Maybe I'll start to expect it, but in my eyes it was a pretty easy going day. I was up at 6:30 though and was on the go the whole day but still.
This was the 3rd track day in 2 weeks and there are more events for the kids, just because it's June. I am fortunate enough to be able to go to all of these things now that I haven't been working. There are many days though that I still have a hard time with that concept. I like the thought of being home but I like the thought of working too and it's hard to grasp my head around not having a choice. Maybe it would be different if there were more stay at home moms. But most people work or stay at home but have little kids. Which is okay too but I kind of feel on the outside having kids in school and staying home. Boy I miss the hockey season already.... because it was my social life. Now I have to work a lot harder at having one. People aren't as readily available to help me fill my time:)
Soooo if you're bored call me! LOL I will do coffee almost anytime!
I'm not sure I'll ever completely get used to it. Maybe I'll start to expect it, but in my eyes it was a pretty easy going day. I was up at 6:30 though and was on the go the whole day but still.
This was the 3rd track day in 2 weeks and there are more events for the kids, just because it's June. I am fortunate enough to be able to go to all of these things now that I haven't been working. There are many days though that I still have a hard time with that concept. I like the thought of being home but I like the thought of working too and it's hard to grasp my head around not having a choice. Maybe it would be different if there were more stay at home moms. But most people work or stay at home but have little kids. Which is okay too but I kind of feel on the outside having kids in school and staying home. Boy I miss the hockey season already.... because it was my social life. Now I have to work a lot harder at having one. People aren't as readily available to help me fill my time:)
Soooo if you're bored call me! LOL I will do coffee almost anytime!
Friday, 24 May 2013
The Courage of a Man
3 days from now, it will have been a year since the doctor told me that it looked like I had MS. I remember walking out of that appointment dumbfounded. No emotion, just unbelief. I got into my vehicle and proceeded to drive home. I wasn't half way home from my 4 minute drive when it hit me. I bawled so hard it was hard to see the road. As I write this it brings back all of those feelings of being scared. Very scared. The unknown is very scary. I didn't really know what MS was but I thought I was gonna eventually be paralysed and wouldn't be able to walk or feel anything from the waist down. It never even occurred to me that I might have other problems waist up. I just didn't know much about it.
I then remember picking Shawn up from work and him asking me what was wrong. I couldn't even spit it out. I didn't know how to say the words. I did finally manage to tell him through more tears what the doctor had told me. His first reaction? I don't know what he was thinking but what he told me was what mattered even if I didn't believe him at the time. He told me it was going to be okay and that we would get through this. WE would get through this. Yup a big fear was what he was gonna do. It was a fear I didn't know was there until he said this. And it was such a relief to know that he wasn't going anywhere.
These aren't just words that he said to me that day, but has proven to me day after day, week after week, and month after month. I still struggle. I still shut down and become disconnected, but he stays strong. Having to handle the stress of providing for us on his own, picking up household responsibilities when I shut down, being involved with hockey, and the other stresses of life, all the while not showing how broken he must feel sometimes.
I needed to know that "he's got this". And because of that I can feel secure, protected, and cherished. WE are going to get through this, even if it means that sometimes he needs to carry me.
I then remember picking Shawn up from work and him asking me what was wrong. I couldn't even spit it out. I didn't know how to say the words. I did finally manage to tell him through more tears what the doctor had told me. His first reaction? I don't know what he was thinking but what he told me was what mattered even if I didn't believe him at the time. He told me it was going to be okay and that we would get through this. WE would get through this. Yup a big fear was what he was gonna do. It was a fear I didn't know was there until he said this. And it was such a relief to know that he wasn't going anywhere.
These aren't just words that he said to me that day, but has proven to me day after day, week after week, and month after month. I still struggle. I still shut down and become disconnected, but he stays strong. Having to handle the stress of providing for us on his own, picking up household responsibilities when I shut down, being involved with hockey, and the other stresses of life, all the while not showing how broken he must feel sometimes.
I needed to know that "he's got this". And because of that I can feel secure, protected, and cherished. WE are going to get through this, even if it means that sometimes he needs to carry me.
Wednesday, 22 May 2013
Behind the Scenes
It's hard not to get angry and frustrated with our system. I know we have things that work but there are so many things that aren't working. Most of you hear about the symptoms and the every day challenges. I've briefly talked about the difficulty with medication coverage etc. but what you don't see is all the other paperwork and phone calls involved.
I feel like I could write a novel, but I'm sure if I did no one would read it so I'll summarize and hope that you all have the patience to read this.
In the past few weeks I have had a couple of phone calls regarding government paperwork. I sent this stuff in January to the government. CPP was a requirement from my insurance provider right now and along with that comes LTD tax credit. I don't receive anything from CPP but my insurance provider would be compensated. They kind of go hand in hand. So I received a letter from my doctor saying that LTD had required more information. Okay so now I had to mail this again in May. 4 months from when I sent it in. Next I received a phone call from CPP wanting to have updated information on my condition. I had to tell them that there was nothing to update. All of the information I gave them in January was the same and if they had processed it back then and not finally gotten to it in May, that it would have been updated information. Needless to say I lost that battle and had to drive to Winnipeg to see my doctor, who is no longer my doctor, because he moved, but was the only one with enough information about the situation to fill out the information they needed.
Now if that isn't complicated enough please remember that in between phone calls I have to wait for a letter with the requested information and then make the appointment and drive there etc. So I see my doctor finally and he requests for more reports from the neurologist so that they are on the same page and don't contradict each other. I get that. That's good, however, it is something that on a normal basis I would have to then contact the clinic here for those reports and they would charge his new office. But luckily I have seen enough bureaucratic problems and photocopied EVERY report they gave me when we first started this process. So I had the report and faxed it to him!
Who's still with me? You think you're lost? Try keeping up with all of this from my end!? LOL It's very very time consuming and complicated and stressful. Now here comes the good stuff. I was denied all of it! Why? Because I have to not be able to do ANY job. I can appeal of course but I now realize why most people don't...because of how much time and effort it takes. When a person already isn't feeling well the last thing they want to do is fight some more.
I did have a nice long conversation with the lady from CPP and in the end I asked what job would allow me to take random days off and work for one month then be off for 3 then work a month and take another 3 off. She told me that they have to wait for my medication to "kick in" because I may not have relapses that often once it starts working. I then asked about all of the issues I have when I am not in a relapse and how I could possibly hold down a job when I have these issues (which I won't go into detail) but she agreed and said that I could still do A job. Keep in mind that this job does not have to be full time, can pay minimum wage, can be in a location far away from here, but if I can do it I don't qualify. I asked what job she thought I could do. Her answer was I could work from home and be a telemarketer and if I was to be in a mall where bathrooms were near I could sit at a lottery kiosk....
So there you have it...unless you are bed ridden and unable to talk don't count on getting anything from our medical system. I could go on welfare though and make more than I do now.
I feel like I could write a novel, but I'm sure if I did no one would read it so I'll summarize and hope that you all have the patience to read this.
In the past few weeks I have had a couple of phone calls regarding government paperwork. I sent this stuff in January to the government. CPP was a requirement from my insurance provider right now and along with that comes LTD tax credit. I don't receive anything from CPP but my insurance provider would be compensated. They kind of go hand in hand. So I received a letter from my doctor saying that LTD had required more information. Okay so now I had to mail this again in May. 4 months from when I sent it in. Next I received a phone call from CPP wanting to have updated information on my condition. I had to tell them that there was nothing to update. All of the information I gave them in January was the same and if they had processed it back then and not finally gotten to it in May, that it would have been updated information. Needless to say I lost that battle and had to drive to Winnipeg to see my doctor, who is no longer my doctor, because he moved, but was the only one with enough information about the situation to fill out the information they needed.
Now if that isn't complicated enough please remember that in between phone calls I have to wait for a letter with the requested information and then make the appointment and drive there etc. So I see my doctor finally and he requests for more reports from the neurologist so that they are on the same page and don't contradict each other. I get that. That's good, however, it is something that on a normal basis I would have to then contact the clinic here for those reports and they would charge his new office. But luckily I have seen enough bureaucratic problems and photocopied EVERY report they gave me when we first started this process. So I had the report and faxed it to him!
Who's still with me? You think you're lost? Try keeping up with all of this from my end!? LOL It's very very time consuming and complicated and stressful. Now here comes the good stuff. I was denied all of it! Why? Because I have to not be able to do ANY job. I can appeal of course but I now realize why most people don't...because of how much time and effort it takes. When a person already isn't feeling well the last thing they want to do is fight some more.
I did have a nice long conversation with the lady from CPP and in the end I asked what job would allow me to take random days off and work for one month then be off for 3 then work a month and take another 3 off. She told me that they have to wait for my medication to "kick in" because I may not have relapses that often once it starts working. I then asked about all of the issues I have when I am not in a relapse and how I could possibly hold down a job when I have these issues (which I won't go into detail) but she agreed and said that I could still do A job. Keep in mind that this job does not have to be full time, can pay minimum wage, can be in a location far away from here, but if I can do it I don't qualify. I asked what job she thought I could do. Her answer was I could work from home and be a telemarketer and if I was to be in a mall where bathrooms were near I could sit at a lottery kiosk....
So there you have it...unless you are bed ridden and unable to talk don't count on getting anything from our medical system. I could go on welfare though and make more than I do now.
Friday, 17 May 2013
Why Am I A Bear?
It has been encouraging to hear that people follow this blog. Just yesterday someone came up to me and told me that they didn't want to "creep me out" but that they followed my blog and were praying for me and that I was encouraging others by doing this. It's hard to see sometimes. I see the numbers on the page of how many visitors there have been but sometimes wonder are people getting anything out of it? I guess that brings me to the fact of always being real, always trying your best, because you may not see it but people are watching.
Having said that I did not have my best moments this morning. I got mad at the kids over pop tarts. Yup pop tarts. It's one of those "treats" for a breakfast. I don't buy them often so when I do they can only have it every other day. Usually there is two boxes of 12, so between the 3 of them there is 8 days worth of them, making it last about 2 weeks. And yes you can do the math but I've double checked it already. LOL Anyways long story short is there was fighting over someone hiding a box, someone didn't like the kind that was left so they thought they were entitled to the other kind which someone else had already cooked etc. Then there were tears and and sarcastic comments thrown around....and I blew! I grabbed the boxes, threw them in the recycle, told them to figure it out cause they were NEVER getting pop tarts again, and then proceeded to tell them to ASK me if they were ever going to get poptarts again. No one dared answer and then I told them they better enjoy their last bites...because they were NEVER getting them again! I then stormed off to my room, slammed the door and lay in bed.
Okay so I did come out a few minutes later, but as I lay there I was thinking how I probably overreacted. Maybe just a bit...but then I asked myself why? Why have I been so short with them lately? They say that MS can make you for lack of a better word "grumpy". So was this something I can blame on MS or was this just not one of my finer "mom moments"? I'm not sure, I don't know that you ever can tell. It's the same for forgetfullness. When do you blame the MS and when do you say oh that's just normal, we all forget sometimes. I guess I think it's when it becomes more prominent.
I know I've had a shorter fuse lately and I'm usually pretty laid back so it actually is kinda scary cause I don't want to "lose it" on a regular basis. But I don't wanna make excuses for it either. I saw a video at church on Mother's Day which may be kind of fitting. Maybe I just need a new mattress...check it out.
Having said that I did not have my best moments this morning. I got mad at the kids over pop tarts. Yup pop tarts. It's one of those "treats" for a breakfast. I don't buy them often so when I do they can only have it every other day. Usually there is two boxes of 12, so between the 3 of them there is 8 days worth of them, making it last about 2 weeks. And yes you can do the math but I've double checked it already. LOL Anyways long story short is there was fighting over someone hiding a box, someone didn't like the kind that was left so they thought they were entitled to the other kind which someone else had already cooked etc. Then there were tears and and sarcastic comments thrown around....and I blew! I grabbed the boxes, threw them in the recycle, told them to figure it out cause they were NEVER getting pop tarts again, and then proceeded to tell them to ASK me if they were ever going to get poptarts again. No one dared answer and then I told them they better enjoy their last bites...because they were NEVER getting them again! I then stormed off to my room, slammed the door and lay in bed.
Okay so I did come out a few minutes later, but as I lay there I was thinking how I probably overreacted. Maybe just a bit...but then I asked myself why? Why have I been so short with them lately? They say that MS can make you for lack of a better word "grumpy". So was this something I can blame on MS or was this just not one of my finer "mom moments"? I'm not sure, I don't know that you ever can tell. It's the same for forgetfullness. When do you blame the MS and when do you say oh that's just normal, we all forget sometimes. I guess I think it's when it becomes more prominent.
I know I've had a shorter fuse lately and I'm usually pretty laid back so it actually is kinda scary cause I don't want to "lose it" on a regular basis. But I don't wanna make excuses for it either. I saw a video at church on Mother's Day which may be kind of fitting. Maybe I just need a new mattress...check it out.
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